Akatsuki's Birds and Bees
by xHeiwa
Summary: The Akatsuki has a little talk about sex.


**A/N: This was based off of ShockValueAuthor's The Akatsuki Sex Talks. (Read hers it's SO much better) But I really liked hers so I decided to write my own :D Also I'm sure you all know, but jii-san is basically how to say grandpa. Hehe... Kaku-jii.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto… Blah blah blah everyone's read like a thousand of these, so on with teh story!**

"Itachi you pervert, un!" Deidara glared at him.

"You know you'd like it!" Kisame smirked as Deidara sat in his chair pouting.

Tobi pranced into the room where Kisame, Itachi, Deidara, Hidan and Kakuzu were sitting.

"Whatcha talking about?" Tobi asked everyone.

"Sex." Kisame said bluntly.

"Ohhhh," Tobi said thoughtfully. "Sempai, what's sex?" Tobi leaned towards Deidara.

"It's… Uhh… Kisame why don't you explain it to Tobi?" Deidara looked at Kisame hoping he would save him from having to explain sex to his semi-retarded partner.

"It's fun!" Kisame finished for him. The blonde breathed out a sigh of relief.

"Happy DeiDei-chan? That wasn't so hard." Kisame said mockingly at the bomber.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT YOU BLUE HAIRED FREAK!" Deidara snapped.

"Will you shut the fuck up!?" Hidan snapped at them. The whole room went quiet.

Tobi was the first to speak up to them. "Kakuzu-san, how did you learn about sex?"

All eyes went to the old fart sitting in the corner dozing off. "Get off my lawn you damn kids…" He said, half-asleep.

Hidan backhanded him across the head. "Wake up Kaku-jii!"

Kakuzu woke up from his slumber and saw all eyes on him. "What?"

"Tobi wants to know how you figured out about the birds and the bees." The blue shark-nin jabbed a finger in the direction of Tobi.

"Oh, when I was a kid I used to go over to my grandparents house a lot." Kakuzu started.

"This is going to be fucking discussing." Hidan snapped and covered his ears.

Kakuzu continued on, "Anyways, one day I went over when I was about 6. I had a spare key so I just let myself in. I heard some screaming upstairs and went to go investigate to make sure my grandparents were alright."

"And they were doing it?" Itachi asked with emotion in his voice for the first time, looking like he was going to throw up.

"You guessed it. They looked like two leather rugs… I'm surprised they didn't start a fire with all that friction." Kakuzu looked thoughtful for a moment before looking on at the rest of the group with his multi-coloured eyes. "How did you learn about Deidara-san?"

"More importantly Deidara," Itachi looked at him with glowing red eyes. "Are you male or female? And with these eyes I can tell if you're lying." Itachi glared hard at the scared looking boy across from him.

"I'm a boy obviously! Un!" Deidara yelled at him. "If I was a girl I'd have boobs first of all, and second of all I wouldn't have this!" He stood up pointing to his crotch.

"But Deidara-sempai! You hardly have anything there anyways." Tobi said innocently.

"KATSU!"

"DAMMIT DEIDARA. THAT COSTS ME MONEY!" Kakuzu screamed at him, his eyes almost bulging right out of their sockets at the hold in the ground. "But I am still curious, how did you learn?"

"I think I was about 10 and a whole bunch of kids in the neighbourhood were coming over to my place for my birthday party. We started playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them found an old stash of my dad's porn." Deidara grimaced. "Most of it was gay stuff too, and no I don't mean gay as in wow-that-shit-sucks. I mean gay as in dude-on-dude-action." He shuddered. "Okay now it's just grossing me out thinking about it. How'd you find out Hidan?"

"When you first start worshiping Jashin-sama you have to prove yourself worthy by killing exactly 19 people doing some sort of thing they enjoy. Sex just happened to be something some people like." Hidan yawned leaning back in his chair. "I'm sure that the great Itachi Uchiha has some fucking _amazing _stories to tell us. Eh Itachi?"

"Hn," The raven cleared his throat and sat up straight. "I wa-"

"HE RAPED SASUKE." Kisame screamed out.

Everyone bursted out laughing, minus Itachi that is. He instead glared daggers at Kisame.

Kisame stopped laughing for an instant when he felt the glowing red eyes of his partner glare at him. "Itachi-san, it was just a joke… Itachi-san?"

"You're so fucking _dead_ shark-boy. I'd run if I was you." Hidan told him.

Kisame and Itachi both stood up from the table. Itachi lunged at his partner.

"DON'T RAPE ME TOO!" The shark nin scrambled away from Itachi.

"Anyways, how did you find out? Un." Deidara questioned as Itachi returned to his seat and sat upright again.

"I already told you!" Shouted a familiar voice. "He's into that freaky stuff!" The blue-haired man giggled from around a corner.

"You're one to talk!" Deidara yelled at him. "I caught you jerking off to Shark Week on the Discovery Channel!"

"Shut up about that DeiDei-chan. Those were some hella foxy fishies! That still isn't anything compared to what Itachi did to poor Sasugay."

Itachi silently stood and in an instant was around the corner.

"Itachi-san, it was just a joke! Haha! You know that… Right?" The other 4 Akatsuki members heard an audible thump and saw Kisame pinned to the ground. "Itachi-san I know you're a nice person who wouldn't do something so mean to someone like your partner." Kisame sounded truly frightened as his sadistic partner smirked. The two on the floor stilled for a moment while the other stared at the duo. Kisame screamed and made them all question what Itachi was doing to him.

The younger stood up, smirked and walked back over to his chair. "You deserved it."

"Oi, what the fuck did you do to him?" Hidan looked over at Kisame who was curled up in the fetal position sucking his thumb.

"I-I-I'm n-not… Fish are f-f-friends n-not f-food…" Kisame whispered.

"I only made him live through three days of being cut up into sushi. I actually didn't think it would have that bad of an effect on him." Itachi giggled a little. **(A/N: ITACHI GIGGLED?!)** "But since you all were wondering so much about how I, Itachi Uchiha, God of Sex found out…" Everyone leaned closer to hear Itachi's answer. "Kisame was right. Sasugay wasn't half bad."

"EW." Was Deidara's answer.

Hindan just covered his mouth and ran to the bathroom.

"Yum." Was all Kakuzu had to say.

Tobi sat there with a slightly puzzled look on his face. **(A/N: iuno how you can have a puzzled look on a mask… But oh well dammit!) **"I still don't get it…"


End file.
